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Our free newsletter is published three times a year.  
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This is an article that was featured in a recent issue:

Special Needs Children Need Special Parents 

To say that special needs children can be challenging is probably the understatement of the year. In a recent interview, Nancy Havlovik, a very special parent, shared her thoughts about parenting children with special needs.

Mary: What inspired you to adopt special needs children?

Nancy: My husband and I wanted children, and we didn't feel that they had to be our biological children, we just wanted children.  As to why we adopted children with special needs, it has to do with our philosophy of life, our way of living. We believe that all children belong to us, and we need to take care of the kids that other people cannot parent.

All children are our children. If your neighbor's kids get off the bus and you see that their mom's car isn't in the driveway, you call and see if the kids are OK.  Whether they're the children of the world or the children next door or in the apartment above you, all children are your responsibility. My husband and I are committed to doing our part for the greater good of the world and taking care of children is part of that. 

Every child is a diamond in the rough.  They are multi-layered, and are not just what they appear on the outside. The child that has it all together, that child has needs, but not like the needs of the kids that people may just want to ignore.

I've felt like this since childhood. My life's vocation, that I've known since I was a child, is that it's important to take care of people who do not have advantages.  Kids that have it tough, that might not look perfect in society's eyes, those are the kids we need to embrace and bring them into our hearts and let them know that they're valuable, let them know that the exterior things that people judge you on are not important. The fact that you're adopted, that you've been raped, that you've been in six foster homes, that does not define you as a person. Those are things that happened to you, that's not the you on the inside.

When I was kid I couldn't understand why the adults of the world didn't fix the things that were wrong.  When I grew up, I decided I would make a difference in some way.

My husband feels exactly the same way.  He has an extremely kind and gentle heart and always looks to help the underdog. He also shows other people how to live by his example.

Mary: What are the main challenges of adopting special needs children?

Nancy: Letting go of the fantasy you have developed of what you think family life should be. Grieve the loss of the fantasy family.  Fantasy doesn't even come close to reality! If you can give that up, then you will be able to parent these kids. That is really the biggest challenge that I can think of.

Mary: What suggestions would you have for parents considering a special needs adoption?

Nancy: You must have a support system.  Number one for me is my husband. I would never be able to keep my balance without him. He helps me get myself back together and I do the same for him. If you do parent by yourself, you'll need a large, extended relationship with other parents, people you can tap at a moment's notice.

I get support not just from my family, but from other parents who have like issues. They're the ones who know what you're talking about when you talk about therapists and intake workers and court hearings.

Also, you cannot be silent about what's happening. People who are more shy, demure, those are beautiful qualities, but you won't get help unless you're willing to speak up. You cannot keep your children's issues private, you need to be honest with people and let them know what's happening.

You can't have any shame about what's going on in your family, and make sure the children don't feel shame. Life in all its glory and ugliness is all about both the good stuff and bad stuff. It's how you overcome the bad stuff that makes you strong. Don't wallow in a bad day.  If you had a really bad day, then end it by doing something good, something totally different. Yesterday I dried my tears and put ice on my eyes because they were swollen from crying, and we took the kids to ride go-karts. You have to remove yourself from the trauma, regroup, have some fun, and come back to it later.

Any crisis with the kids makes me want to try harder. If you hang on to the misery, it will pull you under. My faith helps me a lot.  Even though I might not know what I'm doing, my motives are pure. I have no other agenda except the safety and well-being of my child.

I never for one moment regretted doing this. In my darkest moment, the thought never crossed my mind that I would have not done this.

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