Newsletter: Favorite Articles

< back to Newsletter page

International Adoption, Can There be Open Adoption?

By: Magen Duffy, Post Adoption Specialist and adoptive mother of two.

I always knew I wanted to adopt, but what I didn’t know was how many new and emotional experiences it would bring to my life. When we first started the adoption process I knew I wanted to adopt internationally, I didn’t think much about the sacrifice of the birthmother or how she truly felt until I became a mother myself. I always thought that I wouldn’t want an open adoption, I was scared, what if the birthmother wanted to be a part of their life? What if she got in the way of me being their mommy? These were all fears that I had during our adoption processes. But the minute I became a mother all of those thoughts disappeared. I wondered what I would do if I was in the same situation as my son’s birthmothers. I cried every time I imagined having to hand over my child to someone else never knowing if I would see him again. Thoughts of love, happiness, and gratitude came over me for my son’s birthmothers. At this moment I decided that I would try to find our son’s birthmothers, that I wanted them to know that their little boys were okay and I also wanted my boys to know where they came from and the sacrifice that their birthmother’s made for them and that they truly did love them.

About 3 months ago I got an email from a friend in Guatemala telling me that they had heard through the grapevine that my youngest son’s birthmother was pregnant again; I knew that this was the time that we needed to start searching for her, maybe we could help her with her other children. We hired a lady that we knew does searches and she instantly found my son’s biological grandmother, but she could not locate the birthmother. Finally about a month later I got an email with great news, our searcher located our son’s birthmother and the email was filled with information and lots of pictures. I couldn’t believe it, it was such a wonderful experience. I quickly replied back to the email asking if the birthmother was happy to know that her son was okay, and I wanted to know if she was willing to meet me in two weeks because I would be in Guatemala to do some mission work. She quickly replied back that the birthmother was so happy to see that her little boy was doing great, and yes she wanted to meet me. I remember calling my husband and telling him all about the email and that I was going to meet our son’s birthmother, I was jumping for joy. I knew that this was the moment that I had been waiting for. My emotions bounced all around over the next two weeks; from happy to sad, to amazement that I would be standing in front of one of the most beautiful women in the world who made such a sacrifice so that my son could have a forever family and that I could have my son forever. The days got closer and closer; I landed in Guatemala, and spent about five days in the country before I would meet the birthmother. The night before I was to meet with her, I tried to sit down and write a list of questions I wanted to know or things I wanted to say to her. I could hardly think, I just decided that when I saw her I would know what to say. The next morning I woke up and headed into town to meet our searcher and then to meet the birthmother. We waited awhile for the birthmother to come, our searcher was getting worried that maybe she got scared and decided not to come; that was my biggest fear. About ten minutes later she walked in carrying her new baby in her arms and her five year old daughter clinging to her side. She was so beautiful, and I instantly saw my son in all of their faces. I couldn’t believe that I was finally meeting her, that we were actually in the same room together. We both sat down, I think we were both a little afraid, I didn’t know what she wanted out of this meeting, if she was happy or indifferent to knowing about her son, and I am sure she wasn’t sure what to think of me. After about five minutes we both warmed up. I asked her many questions, told her multiple times that I couldn’t believe how much my little boy looks just like them. I asked her if she wanted to ask me anything and all she could say with her hand across her heart was that she was so happy that she didn’t know what to say, but that she was so happy. I learned that she has always wondered about him, she even tried to learn about where he had gone but was told that it was none of her business. She was happy to see how big he has gotten and to hear how much we love him. She was very grateful to me that I found her; she said that she felt like she was dreaming. She told me many wonderful things that I get to share with my son, from who he looks like, where his talents came from, about his heritage and where his giant dimples came from. The greatest gift I feel that I get to give him is a relationship with his first family in Guatemala. We all took pictures together and I told the birthmother that I wanted a picture of her and I together for my son, so that he would always know that he has two mother’s that love him. She told me how much she loved him and asked if someday I would bring him there to meet her. I promised when he got older that we would all come back to see her, that in the meantime we would keep in contact. I walked the family out to the taxi that was waiting for them. We said our goodbyes and I hugged my son’s birthmother goodbye. I told her that this wasn’t goodbye forever, and she thanked me over and over. She gave me the biggest hug I have ever had, and it felt as if she never wanted to let go. She cried on my shoulder and I reassured her that we love him so much, and she said that she knows that he is a much loved little boy because he has two moms that love him. I shut the door to the taxi and watched them drive away, thinking to myself what a wonderful new friend I had just met. I couldn’t wait to head to the airport and get home so I could hug my little boys and share this experience with them.

The one thing that I learned through all of this was that open adoptions are possible in international adoption. They are just as beneficial as they are here in the states. They are healthy for both families involved and can be a wonderful gift to your children as they get older and ask some of those hard questions that many of us are unable to answer. I am happy that I will be able to share so much information with my son, and I know that when the time is right my son will meet his first family and develop a relationship with them. I am hoping that soon we will be able to locate my oldest son’s birthmother so we can have this same experience for him, and for her too.