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Triggers

One of the puzzles of parenting is trying to figure out children’s behavior. Why are they doing that…and how do I get them to stop?! There is an extra challenge for parents in adoption and foster care as they consider questions like: Is this behavior related to normal child development? Is it related to past trauma in the child’s life? Could it be connected to the child’s prenatal environment or possibly genetic predisposition to a particular disorder? Or is this behavior connected to adoption-related losses?

Friends of Adoption presents a workshop for foster and adoptive parents called Triggers: What Can Cause Adoption/Foster Care Related Crisis? The purpose of the workshop is to help parents identify and prepare for common triggers of adoption-related distress and assisting parents to figure out strategies for preventing or calming a crisis.

One example of an adoption-related trigger is the child’s birthday. Questions about where her birthmother is right now and whether her birthmother ever thinks about her or misses her may be going through her head. Children often believe they are responsible for events in their lives so they may be asking themselves, what is wrong with me that my birthmother “didn’t want me”.

Even when birthparents have made a thoughtful plan for an adoption, the child often feels a sense of rejection. With older children holding memories of birthparents, they may be worrying about birthparents or wishing they could be with them. Children often feel torn about who they can love. If they still love their birth family, can they love their adoptive family also? Are they being disloyal if they connect to their new family? Grieving children may express their feelings with anger, which is often directed at adoptive parents. They may be depressed and withdraw from the family.

One of the strategies parents may choose to anticipate their child’s mixed feelings about an upcoming birthday, is to acknowledge that they are thinking about her birth family and ask her if she is, too. Parents can help children see the connection between their birthday and feelings of sadness for their losses.

In the workshop, parents are invited to share ideas with one another about what has worked well in their families. Many times, adoptive parents feel isolated and alone in dealing with the unique issues of adoption. Workshops like this one provide an opportunity for parents to build on their knowledge as well as to build networks of support with one another.

Triggers workshops have been held in Stevens Point, La Crosse, Webster, Rhinelander, Medford, Richland Center, Waupaca and Eau Claire. For information about having a Triggers workshop in your area, contact Friends of Adoption at 1-800-227-3002.