Questions
All parents have questions about parenting. These questions are specific to parenting an adopted child.
If you'd like, send us a question. We post the answers to the most commonly asked questions every month.
"What should I do if my child refuses to do a family tree for an assignment at school?;
Some assignments, such as genealogy or family tree,; are difficult for children who have been adopted.; It's important to talk with the teacher about the assignment and explain why it might be difficult for your child.; There are many alternatives to the family tree assignment that your teacher could offer to your child.
Chances are, your child's teacher is not aware of issues that an adopted child brings to the classroom.; A good source for information for teachers is an in-service workshop called "The Adopted Child in Elementary School."
If you would like to help present this workshop, or would be willing to contact your school about scheduling the workshop, please email us.
Read about "The Adopted Child in Elementary School"
"When should I tell my child he was adopted?"
It’s best that you share your child’s adoption story with him even before he is old enough to understand fully what that means. You should continue to share his story with him on a regular basis as his questions and comprehension will vary as he gets older.
A good time to share your child’s adoption story might be on his birthday or homecoming anniversary. There are many wonderful children’s books available about adoption and adoption related themes, that can be helpful to you in talking to your child about adoption. Your local library may have many of them available to you.
"How soon should I start talking to my child about her birth parents?"
You know your child better than anyone; therefore, it depends on her readiness.
A good time to start talking about your child’s birth family would be when she starts asking. You may not share all the details until she is older, but being open and honest about her birth family will open the door for further discussion when she wants to know more in the future.
"What is the best way to respond when my child asks why he was released for adoption?"
Your response to this will depend on the age and readiness of your child, as well as the actual reason for the birth parents releasing. You may choose to tell your child that his birth parents chose you as adoptive parents because they knew you would love him and take good care of him.
As your child gets older, you may choose to share more information regarding his birth parent’s decision to release, such as financial circumstances, etc.
"Is it necessary to tell my child’s school that she is adopted?"
This depends on how open you have been with your child about her birth story and how comfortable you are with the school having that information. If you have been very open with your child, it may be a good idea to tell her primary teacher so that he or she can be prepared to deal with the issue if your child mentions it to other children or during class time.
It is also important that your child does not feel like adoption is something to hide or be ashamed about, and sharing her story with those close to her is another way to assure she knows this.
"How should I respond when people refer to my child’s birth mother or father as his "real" mother or father?"
This is a very sensitive issue and those who have no experience with adoption may not be aware of how this makes an adoptive parent feel. One way to handle the issue is to simply say, "Oh, you mean his BIRTH mother/father?" This politely tells the person how you refer to your child’s birth parent.
If the problem continues, politely explain that you are your child’s "REAL" parent and you prefer that they refer to your child’s biological parents as his birth parents.
"How do I share my child’s birth history with her if she was conceived through incest or rape?"
Even though this is a difficult subject to share, it may be helpful insight for your child.; How much you share and when depends on her age and maturity.; Until your child is ready to know the full story, you can share accurate information without specific details.; In general, your child should have all the available pieces of her adoption story by the time she is eighteen.
"I have both an adoptive child and biological children. How do I address question or assertions that I love them differently? I get this question both from the children themselves and from adults."
The best way handle this is preventatively. This is another reason why it is important to share your child’s adoption story with her and with the family, as well as with other friends close to your family. When you are asked this question it’s best just to assure your child that you love all the children equally.
Often times this question or assertion from children comes when the child is angry or feeling left out. Be sure to address these issues and remain open for discussion about her history as well as whatever else may be troubling her.